So drunk its hurt
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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