matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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