just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Randomize
