it hurts more in the daytime
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
