i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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