Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
