He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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