now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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