Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
