I just gift wrapped bread.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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