Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
