pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
