I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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