matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
