I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
