I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
