I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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