Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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