respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
well you can't waste a boner
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
