also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
