No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's shark week go big or go home
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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