When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
