The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
