apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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