I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize