we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
