I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
