I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
