Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize