Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
