I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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