I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
