i permit you to call me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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