Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize