Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
