I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
