Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
