i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
