apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
