Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
