So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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