I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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