Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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