I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
