I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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