So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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