We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just pee around me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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