Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
