i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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