I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
