I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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