I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
