What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
