thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
