forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
