this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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