Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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