I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
