brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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