Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dick very happy bro
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
