i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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