U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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