i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
