Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
